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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!