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*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age