I am, perchance
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”