I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this