I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
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My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived