I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
When you’re Kinky but poor
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*