I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.