I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.