I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.


Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.


If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count


This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.