@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

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@UnFitz

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

@

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@Stellacopter

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@leftarmisme

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.