@UnFitz You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
@oria2326 I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
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@UnFitz 
@barryjohnharper The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
@Stellacopter If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
@batsVsupes 
@RCKruseKontrol ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
@DanMentos “How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
@13spencer I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
@LuvPug I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
@leftarmisme This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.