I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
You Might Also Like
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.