@Shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

@StellaGMaddox

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

@Molly_Kats

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

@KeithAshers

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

@Midgetspar

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

@themorris23

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

@Smug_Lemur

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

@Token_Geezer

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

@haze103

A couple who are silly together stay together.