@Shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

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@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@LeahsLounge

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

@kelkulus

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@Julian_Deane

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

@Love_bug1016

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

@horacedodge

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.