
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
whatcha thinkin bout
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.