I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
the three genders
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.