I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?