“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
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Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Not recommended for beginners.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.