I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My dog ate my work from home.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*sewing*
A thread
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft