I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
But that’s none of my business
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.