“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
incredible text to wake up to
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.