Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

become ungovernable

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL