I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Morning.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.