I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
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I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING