I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.