I am yelling
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.