‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Our lord and savoury.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.