@ninjadinosaur1
@OhNoSheTwitnt Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
You Might Also Like
@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@UncleDuke1969 Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
@aveuaskew It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
@OrangeFact Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
@WetMascara Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
@suntzufuntzu Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
@jesswho82 Oh the world we live in…
@JoshuaPotash Wait a second…
@Breadery My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
@stephenjmolloy Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”