Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Oh the world we live in…
Wait a second…
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”