@ninjadinosaur1

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@OrangeFact

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

@WetMascara

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

@suntzufuntzu

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

@Breadery

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”