‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.


Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.


It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.


Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™


Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.


Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes


My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret


Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”