I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?