I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.