@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

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@tfcarter09

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

@scot7a

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

@meantomyself

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@CynicalTherapi1

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@calluptome

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.