I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza