I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

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if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed


POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.


No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.


If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.


Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.


LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.