I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
LOOOOOOL
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
shit just got real
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.