[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
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I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.