I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
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bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.