I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
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I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My love language is hissing.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.