I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
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Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…