I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions