I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
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I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
kitchen magnet
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.