I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
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We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I love wikipedia
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
[adds another nod to the conversation]