I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You Might Also Like
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Xylophonist Shredding It
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
dutch is not a serious language
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”