[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone