I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Thanks to a fan for this one.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”