I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
good morning
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?