Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.