I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Happy Thanksgiving
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Who called it baking and not making love
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family