I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.