I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
*checks Timeline*…
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.