I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then