I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
can’t wait til they legalize outside
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.