I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
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me logging onto twitter
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.