I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours