I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
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Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.