I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.