I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay