I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
You Might Also Like
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”