I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
⛄️
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
it must be school picture day
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.