I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*