I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
the noise i just made
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?