I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

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*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.


[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?


Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.


Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit



Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?


[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it


{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Dory: I’m a talking fish


Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”