@bossy_bootz

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

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@SCBamaMan

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@MrFornicator

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

@dumbbeezie

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@KickSumHunibuns

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

@FrenulumBreve

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”