I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
S O O N
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.